So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
