Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
