This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
