My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
