I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
