I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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