Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
