i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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