I cannot find my penis.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
