Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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