Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
