Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
