A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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