dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
