haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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