also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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