So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
