She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think your dad took our porno
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
