Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
