Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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