I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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