i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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