he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
