I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
