Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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