If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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