I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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