there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
