No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
