Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
