There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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