In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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