true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
