I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
