he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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