I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
