I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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