call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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