you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
