I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
