so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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