well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
