Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
