Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
