i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
