I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
