We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
