My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
