i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
