she woke up with a sticky ear
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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