Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
