I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
