Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Found your dick twin last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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