If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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