If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
